Dear Lena

I'm leaning that way again. This is the motherfucking ef word.

Lena, I am at a loss. For words. And direction. And gusto. And courage probably. And/ or practicality. But I just want it.
So, I manifested, yes that's right, this fucking job interview. I will spare you the whole story, but I did. Then I pooped in the mouth of the interview half way through when they started explaining to me all of the practical components of the job. Like, write down what you did here. Put the peatry dish in here. Check it in three days. Don't fuck it up because if you do you will ruin a HUGE amount of plants.

What the fuck am I doing?

As they started explaining to me all the bullshit about the papers and the thinking and the not forgetting, I just started flashing back to the myriad interviews I've had over the last year and half where they ask me if I can work it like a Virgo, and I lie and say Yes, Of Course, and then they hire me because I am hell of CHARMING and then we get two or three weeks in and they are like "Oh shit." And I am like "Fuck this. I can't remember this bullshit and I'm either going to hate myself about that or hate you and I pick you." Then there is a falling out and I am eventually fired or I quit on bad terms.

I WWAAAANt to be a fucking Virgo.
I DON'T!!
I want to be me, Miss Neptune Pisces 12th house dissolution transformation shit storm. I want to be HER I am HER and I just don't know where in this godforsaken planet she fits.

Here I am going to herbalism school now. OK. Cool. I'm doing this herb share and sending out tinctures and making them and it all feels pretty good but THERE IS A LITTLE TERRIFYING VOICE IN ME THAT NO ONE CAN KNOW ABOUT BECAUSE WE'RE ALL NODDING AND HOPING THAT I AM FINALLY GOING TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER THANK YOU MOM FOR PAYING FOR MY CONTACTS AND CAR INSURANCE AND CELL PHONE I'M 27 YEARS OLD. And the little voice through all of this herb stuff says: don't do this. Its just more Virgo tasks that stress you out. You can do it, but it is still work. Its not your calling. Its not that work, that job that I KNOW is out there for me where it no longer feels like work. It no longer feels like I am trying hard to do it. Its just my spot. I can feel that my spot is there. Its woo woo and it is also not so woo woo. Something magical and practical and oriented around health. The astrologer who just did my chart for free said I would make a really good medical intuitive. YES. HOW?! Oh fuck it, go to herb school first.

The cunundrum I'm in now is this.
Option 1: Get a stupid job that pays the rent so I can actually focus on this other stuff, have days off, and not be in the constant and frantic state of oh my god I am going to have to come up with $300 in the next five days. Yes, I do.
Option 2: Push through. Somehow allow myself to believe that I can have the job I want and the job that is easy and fucking pays me NOW. Lena, I really think that if I were able to actually believe that, it would happen.

Oh, but here's the work. I think I should work patiently through all the demons that keep me from that belief. I like that. It feels relaxing and kind of fun. I'm going to find a way to lure those shadows into the light. (I can't work. I can't keep a job. I don't have a brain for working. I will always let my employers down because I am forgetful and distracted. etc.)

I have to go to bed. last night I stayed up until 1am flipping through facebook pages. How romantic.

I'm so goddamn into astrology. I want to look at your chart again. I'm going to a free class on it every thursday morning. I met the coolest two old ladies there. Alice and Susan. I liked them immediately. As it turns out, my chart is very similar to both of them. THE WOO WOO IS REAL. GOD LETS US BE BORN or I'm bound to die before sunrise.

LOVE YOU
godspeed on the shit mountain of pure light,
Nora